Spock, Zombies, and Longevity


Here’s a bit of satire from my son. This is his writing and artwork.

Over the past decade there has been a steep rise in the crime rates in America. More of its citizens have been killed, raped, and robbed then ever before. We, as a nation, have sought answers to these horrible problems, but our solutions never seem to be enough. Different organizations, both private and government, attempt to educate the public about being safe, being vigilant, and practicing prudent methods of living. However, these solutions are simply not doing enough to protect the everyday citizen and his or her property. The citizens of America should not live in fear of each other.

There have been multiple proposals as well as laws and regulations put in place to protect America from what we consider to be the largest threat to our lives and the lives of our loved ones: guns. The government has passed laws which better define the types of guns a person can own, but nonetheless everyday more lives are lost, and everyday the nation buries another unfortunate few of its beloved citizens.

Intergalactic News
Well, we’re not #1. But then #10 blew up a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.

Some other nations from around the world have taken different approaches towards protecting its people through the regulation of firearms. In the United Kingdom and Japan, the average civilian can not own a gun. One might think that if there are no guns then there would be less crime. While this is true in the sense that there is less crime, there still is crime.

In Switzerland, the many of the citizens serve time in the military and continue to own the guns issued during service as personal weapons. This leads to a much high gun ownership rate than most countries. The concept here states that with more guns owned, criminals will be less likely to commit crimes against a person who is more likely able to defend himself or herself. But, just as the United Kingdom still has crime, so does Switzerland. So one must realize that the real threat to the nation’s citizens is not knives, it is not home made explosives, it is not guns; it is the citizens.

In order to ensure complete safety of the citizens of our nation we must be certain beyond a doubt that the citizens can not commit crimes. The only way we can be certain beyond a doubt is to kill our citizens. As Spock once said, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” If we sacrifice roughly a third to two fifths of our citizens we would drastically decrease the rate of crime in America. With less people to commit crime and less people to be victims of crime, the crime rates in America would no longer shoot through the roof, but burrow underneath the floor.

Besides simply having a lower crime rate, the killing of a large portion of citizens would benefit the nation is so many other ways. With so much excess meat from the dead bodies, America could put a huge dent in the problem of world hunger. The average American adult male yields about 20lb, while the average American adult female yields about 15lb. If America’s population in 2015 is roughly 320 million, that would mean roughly 1 billion pounds of food from killing off a third of the nation.

The solution of mass systematic murder has more benefits than having more food. Our doctors would have a seemingly endless supply of cadavers with which they would be able to conduct countless experiments. This could lead to finding the cures to ailments such AIDS, cancer, the flu, ignorance, HIV, measles, and chickenpox.

Another way the decrease in citizens would benefit the well being of the citizens of our just nation, would be the decrease in pollution. The average American produces roughly 4.4lbs of waste per day or 1606lbs per year. Not only would our streets, water, and nature be more clean, but also the air quality would benefit as well. So few people would drive around in their harmful cars destroying the ozone layer, that this decrease in air pollution might just be the largest step the world has ever taken towards ensuring the future of our dying planet.

Despite all of the possible beneficial outcomes of the mass murder of many of our citizens, a problem arises; what would happen if the dead citizens rise back as zombies? To that I say, “You need not worry. Our gun laws are so relaxed that getting one or fifty guns would be so easy that you could kill as many people, dead or alive, as fast as you desire.” So let us throw away our barbaric ways and start rounding up our neighbors for a better tomorrow.

-Nate Schneider
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